Grim Crew Presents: Dead Future

When I saw this all I could say was… “You have to be F*&@ kidding me.”

Look, I want new and interesting zombie movies just as much as the next zombie fan, but there has got to be a better way than this. Ladies and gentlemen, we cannot let this atrocity stand. Ok, I don’t think there’s much we can do about it, so someone just shoot me in the face.

Warm Bodies is a love story between a girl, and a zombie. See that’s what I said. This Twilight knock off has got me so confused I really don’t know what to say. Look I know the Twilight movies are doing supper well. Of course people are going to try to copy their success. But really?

Yes he's supposed to be a zombie. Yes she's bat shit crazy.

The zombie that goes by the name “R” (played by Nicholas Hoult) eats this dude’s brain and obtains his memories (God, do you know how painful it is to write this?), especially of the dude’s girlfriend named Julie (Teresa Palmer). So I’m guessing our grave risen Casanova stalks Julie down and somehow convinces her that eating people is not so bad because they grow to have a relationship. I swear to the Gods that if there’s one line about how she smells in this movie I’m going to throw myself off a cliff.

Ok, I’m giving this movie a lot of flack because it’s made by the same people who made the Twilight movies. If you look at the picture above, it even looks like the Twilight movie. Evidently Summit Entertainment must have a rule that monsters aren’t supposed to look scary. I have a horrible feeling that this movie is just a sparkle in the sunlight away from being so unoriginal, Robert Pattinson will receive royalties from it.

The book however tells of a storyline far away from the Twilight saga. The zombies and the humans aren’t finding a way to co-exist, the zombies eat people, and they eat them without shame. It’s an apocalyptic setting like you would expect. Somehow the zombies can communicate with each other, and as I have not read the book I cannot tell you how, just suffice to know that according to summaries I read online they tell that R has a zombie friend named M who is not as kind as he is toward humans as he eats them and then tries to have zombie sex with other zombies. If that freaks you out a little bit it’s ok, I’m a little freaked out as well. If it turns you on, well stay away from me please. But it seems that the dead tongue can only manage a few syllables, and R may be accomplished because his personal best is 4. Despite not being able to express his thoughts, R has them, and although diminished by the vale of death they are evidently deep.

R ends up eating the brain of Perry Kelvin who has the hots for Julie, and when he does as stated before he ends up having an affinity for Julie as well. R saves Julie from becoming zombie chow and takes her back to his layer where she teaches him and his fellow zombies that there may be more to un-life than snaking on brains.

"Your boyfriend tasted like a suicidal emo. Wait he was a suicidal emo? My bad."

Now I’m not insensitive to love stories. I am actually a sucker for a good love story. But over do it with the sappy, or make it unrealistic and too ideal, I start to gag pretty quickly. I thought it was sweet when Korbin Dallas showed Leeloo there was more to life than war in the Fifth Element. When Jim told Salina “That was longer than a heartbeat,” in 28 Days Later my heart jumped a little. And it was the highlight of my childhood when Simba realized he loved Nala in The Lion King. But if Nicholas Hoult gets to stick his tongue down Teresa Palmer’s throat in this movie I’m starting an Occupy Hollywood movement. No more shitty-ass sudo-horror love movies!

A word to Summit Entertainment: You’ve killed Vampires and Werewolfs for me. Please don’t ruin zombies as well. Next thing we know Cthulhu will be staring in a romance movie. Summit will call it something shitty like “Love Crazy.” You’ll never see the Great Old One in the same light ever again. And henti fans will rejoice. I think I just threw up a little.

Share your thoughts with me! Leave me a comment below or email me at penguinprince@grimcrew.com. You should also check out more Zombie goodness on the Dead Future Facebook page. You can also follow me on Twitter and Google +!

-Till Fate brings our Future…

Penguin Prince