Grim Crew Presents: Dead Future

If you are relatively new to the blog, you have probably seen me gush about a lot of zombie stuff. I like most things zombies. I don’t really mind that everyone and their mother is trying to use zombies to make a buck. If I did I would be a hypocrite. Now I don’t make any money doing the blogs for this site (sigh…), but we are trying to sell zombie comic books here.

But those who are not new to this site and have read my blog a few times (thank you!) know that I hate it when people sell “zombie” products and do a really piss pore job of it. Not the sales themselves, but they put out such a cheesy product, it makes you want to take the marketers and punch them right in the baby makers. I have ranted about one such product before. Now I’m going to rant about another one.

It might look familiar. I featured it in Wednesday’s blog.  Take a look.

This peace of crap is made by Sabre. {1}

Zombie pepper spray. Are you F*&(ing kidding me? How desperate do you have to be to make zombie pepper spray? Not only is the marketing idea dumb, but it could put people in grave danger (ok… pun intended). The zombie craze and weapons are nothing new. Zombie swords, zombie guns, zombie bullets, even zombie bow and arrows and crossbows all make sense. But pepper spray?

What is pepper spray going to do to a zombie? You can’t make a zombie cry. This is part of what makes them scary. Impale them on a pike, cut off an arm, shoot a cannon ball through their chest, that’s not going to stop them. They will find a way to continue to crawl, swivel, or scootch their way to your tasty, tasty brains. You think pepper spray is going to stop them? Make them cry and beg you to stop? I think not.

According to my sources (read Wikipedia and www.yourgreatestprotection.com) pepper spray works because of a chemical called oleoresin capsicum which is derived  from peppers, like chili peppers. When the solution is sprayed into the face of an attacker the common reaction you will get (beside oww my GD face!)  will be almost immediate closing of the eyes. Coughing and runny noses are common side effects as well. Pepper spray will even work on individuals that feel no pain because the solution is an inflammatory agent, so it irritates the mucus membranes in the skin, eyes, and upper respiratory regions.  So even a zombie that does not suffer from pain will be affected by it.

The problem is the effects won’t stop the zombie. Zombies do not need to breath, they do not need to see, and they are unable to cry. The sad thing is, you won’t even piss it off because it can’t feel pain! It’s going to keep coming at you like nothing is wrong and just have spicy brains. You’ll be doing it a favor by improving your flavor!

Now someone may argue that by not being able to see or smell, a zombie would not be able to find you if you run. But it can still hear. For pepper spray to work properly, you must be within 8 to 20 feet of the intended target (closer and you’ll get yourself with the spray and that’s just counterproductive.) This spray canister looks like it probably won’t get that 20 foot mark, so I’m guessing somewhere between 8 and 10 feet is your effective range for this weapon. In that time it takes you to ready the canister and fire an effective dose of the pepper spray, you could have shot it in the head with a bullet, prepared an ax to swing, or even I don’t know, ran away? Besides, if the spray doesn’t work (and it won’t) then the zombie will be that much closer to you before you realize you’ve been wasting time.

If they make pepper spray a weapon in Call of Duty, I'm going to start a riot. {2}

Now keep in mind, I’m not discussing the effectiveness of the pepper spray itself. Regular humans and wild animals will probably be effected normally The website for the spray boasts about it being easy to use and convenient to carry. Would I carry some with me for protection in an apocalypse? You bet your ass I would! Save a bullet, spray the bear in the face instead. Because if the first bullet doesn’t kill it, you’ve just pissed of an angry Yogi. Better yet, spray the bear in the face, then unload a clip in it’s skull. Then you have taken care of the threat, plus you have tasty bear meat to feed your survivor group as well as a warm coat to protect you in the winter.

But when it comes to a zombie, I’m going to stick with my 9mm thank you very much. You want to advertise this as apocalypse spray? Fine. Just leave zombies out of it. By misleading your customers into thinking this will stop the undead, you are doing a disservice to your customers as they will become helpless victims instead of powerful zombie slayers. You would do better with a stun gun to be honest. Then at least the electricity you send through the body may fry the brain of the zombie with any luck (and tweaking of the safety mechanisms).

What weapon would you like to learn about next? Send me an email at penguinprince@grimcrew.com or again, leave a comment below. You can also follow Dead Future on Facebook and Google +. You can also follow me on Twitter and Google +.

Till Fate brings our Future…

Penguin Prince

Image Sources:

{1} http://www.sabrered.com/servlet/the-261/Zombie-Pepper-Spray/Detail

{2} http://blog.koldcast.tv/2010/koldcast-news/5-surefire-signs-that-youre-a-zombie/